Closer to the Prize
I’m sitting in Penn Station in New York, after a long day at the first conference that I’ve attended post-Covid, waiting for my train. I won’t roll back into Philly until 8 p.m.
Read More Closer to the PrizeThe unfathomable life of an uneaten French pastry and other adventures
“Did you choose the worst one?” she asked, half chuckling and half bewildered. I stood for a moment bewildered by the question, caught frozen by existential dilemma because it could apply to so many things in life: a moment, a relationship, or in this case, a grapefruit.
Read More The unfathomable life of an uneaten French pastry and other adventuresShowing up for change
I hate change. I do. It upsets my routines, it reminds me that life is uncertain, and it shows me that all things that come to pass must also pass from being. And it’s especially poignant when it concerns people. This year has been all about change. Since last spring, I lost a job and […]
Read More Showing up for changeClearing the clutter
I’m not gonna lie. My office, which is literally a second bedroom in my apartment, has never been squared away. And it’s funny because I have had ample space at my past two residences to sort through this clutter. I’ve been writing on and off for the past few weeks but here I will regale […]
Read More Clearing the clutterFitness test
If I had to explain to you why I love you, I’m not sure I could provide that explanation. At times, I’m not sure if it’s because you are the most beautiful woman in the world, or if it’s you are the most unobtainable. I can’t trust myself sometimes when it comes to fitting the […]
Read More Fitness testGiving myself permission to…
It’s been a rough couple of weeks, for various reasons. I feel privileged to work for a company that sent me to a conference to learn more about my craft.
Read More Giving myself permission to…Learning to Play
It’s good sometimes to stop and take stock. I’m not sure I have ever been at a place in my life where I had both time and money.
Read More Learning to Play“I said Corgi.”
For a few weeks now, I’ve been on a journey that I never thought I’d take. My boss and I had a discussion about my facial expressions, and while I was upset about the conversation, I knew it was definitely something I could work on. But how?
Read More “I said Corgi.”Stop Struggling
It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything. And oddly, within that time, many noteworthy events have occurred that probably deserved some coverage. The run down includes replacing my car’s transmission, losing my father, and leaving a job. At the height of these events, my therapist at the time could see me fighting a […]
Read More Stop StrugglingQuiet your soul, prepare for the storm
In the end, it’s not about the lack of struggle that helps in recovery: it’s about the experiences. A point in time will come when some struggles with the loss of friendship, problems at work, or a dying parent, and I can provide my support.
Read More Quiet your soul, prepare for the stormListen to the space between the chatter
When I sat down to work on my inventory – we call it this so we can our strengths and weaknesses on paper, in a way that they do not distort our thinking. We can clearly see who we are. As I answered questions about honesty in my family, I began to realize how much of my life has been wrapped in silence.
Read More Listen to the space between the chatterMoving forward, with hiccups backwards
The past couple of months have seen some nice progress forward. I’ve picked up my exercise again – actual body weight workouts – after a long reprieve of gym and trying other things. I returned from a week-long trip home. We helped my mother clean put parts of the house. Even if the goal wasn’t […]
Read More Moving forward, with hiccups backwardsAzaleas in bloom
I’m exhausted. I spent the weekend preparing to travel to my home state, which meant the car needed work, the cat sitter needed keys, and the backup cat sitter needed keys. I’ve spent a couple of weeks talking with friends about what’s on my mind. When my parents let me know what was happening with […]
Read More Azaleas in bloomGay friendly Pennsylvania
The morning that I heard about the First Amendment Defense Act (FADA), I understood that all of is would feel the hammer but some of us would feel it more than others. I grew up in Oklahoma, and while some of my friends have been quick to let me know they experienced discrimination on both […]
Read More Gay friendly PennsylvaniaVoices of our Better Angels
We’re locked in a specific discursive space, and until we can actually engage in the identity politics, we will remain in this stuck place. That is my question to the Women who tapped out of the Women’s march.
Read More Voices of our Better AngelsLearning to Soar
I am grounded now, and I understand that my mind – and I love my mind, however mischievous – buffers itself from pain and grief by changing the narrative. It’s great to be a writer, but being a human being living real life sucks sometimes. That is the task before me moving into the next year.
Read More Learning to SoarStronger inside, more peaceful outside
All to say, 2016 is ending on a sharply difficult note. Nothing is impossible when the mechanics of the universe run as they do, but life marches on. We realize that things never stay the same – they resist our temptations to tame them. That goes for our thinking, our behavior, our attitude.
Read More Stronger inside, more peaceful outsideBuilding Walls
It stopped working though, this control. Like a speed boat careening toward the bleachers, my heart told my head to go fuck itself.
Read More Building WallsClingy, even constricting
In essence, to be codependent is to allow the behavior of another to affect you AND obsess about that person’s behavior to the point of trying to control that person’s behavior.
Read More Clingy, even constrictingRules of Engagement
When the program talks about getting down to causes and conditions, I always understood this to mean we begin to identify those things that set us spinning in the first place. Once addicts begin to spin, the force and destruction that results can be detrimental not only to us but the ones around us. It seeps into our work and personal lives in insidious ways. And that destruction need not result from substance use; our illness is a mental illness. It’s our thinking that derails.
Read More Rules of EngagementDiscernment in the process
Are you a spectator or are you a player? I prefer active participants on my team.
Read More Discernment in the processGrowth and impediment
It sounds like a relatively simple task, but I’m beginning to realize many people cannot or will not do this.
Read More Growth and impedimentThe Mechanics of Intimacy
Sometimes you show your ass, and sometimes you need help but they make it worth it, if you let them in.
Read More The Mechanics of IntimacyLoosening my grip on the reins
“Until now, I’ll have continually loosen my grip, and attempt to build a relationship with him that meets him where he is. He needs this, and what kind of relationship have I provided – what kind of life could he lead – if I didn’t find a way to support him in relishing this simple thing in his soul. I can find no greater love to give.”
Read More Loosening my grip on the reinsBooty poodle out
Dear God, I’m like Cyrano de Bergerec but with a fetish for broken women. As a friend has always said to me, “You’ll always get what you always got if you always did what you always done.”
Read More Booty poodle outI had a snickerdoodle fail today
Changing thoughts changes actions, and changing actions changes where I might find myself.
Read More I had a snickerdoodle fail todayFrom Homeward Bound to Deep Inside
“All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost; The old that is strong does not wither, Deep roots are not reached by the frost. From the ashes a fire shall be woken, A light from the shadows shall spring; Renewed shall be blade that was broken, The crownless again […]
Read More From Homeward Bound to Deep InsideDon’t Squeeze the Kitty
It’s a strange sensation. It truly is. It doesn’t feel like my life – almost surreal. After almost four months of building communications goals, a content calendar, marketing campaign templates, and the like, I found myself without a job on Thursday. For two weeks, I wondered how the upcoming search for a communications firm would […]
Read More Don’t Squeeze the KittyAll of the things, all at once
This past couple of months have been a blur. In two months, I have been hired for two jobs. I left the produce market in the beginning of April because I needed a more flexible schedule and better money. Leaving was sad; I said goodbye to good friends and left a place that I felt […]
Read More All of the things, all at onceThe good, the bad, and the acceptance
This week has been the week from hell. It started off rough. Even with the idyllic bus ride to the interview with a third company in Chestnut Hill, my paycheck didn’t go through the bank because of the holiday. Originally, I had planned to get lunch and ride the bus back to the city. I’d […]
Read More The good, the bad, and the acceptanceDefinitely not the Chopin scene
When my parents had children, I think they were like every other parent in the world. They wanted the best for me: a well rounded, educated scientist, concert pianist who could single-handedly bring about world peace through the application of Smithsonian economics. Given their bent now, I would argue perhaps they have traded in Adam […]
Read More Definitely not the Chopin sceneLiving deliberately, with or without the people
I am sitting in the historic Reading Market this morning: it’s my first shift for Instacart in the market. I held off as long as I could because the market seemed to pose challenges not present at other stores for in-store shoppers: the market houses multple vendors, finding an outlet to keep your phone charged […]
Read More Living deliberately, with or without the peopleI have a cat problem and other issues
It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life. Being poor produces certain stressors but it cannot determine your attitude. I draw upon the wisdom of someone who knows: Viktor Frankl survived internment at a concentration camp. He wrote, “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose […]
Read More I have a cat problem and other issuesMea culpas
Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve had a lot of fun posting pictures for #tbt. I rejected the idea at first: why would I post pictures from way back? Many of my photos, I feel, were not flattering. I had body image issues, e.g. I always viewed myself as fat. And I had braces […]
Read More Mea culpasHistory of (my) Sexuality
A friend wrote me the other day for two reasons. She wanted to let me know how much she enjoyed my writing, which is a blessing. I have immense respect for her work. She also wanted to ask me about my sexuality. Admittedly, I had not really thought about my awareness of my sexuality. I […]
Read More History of (my) SexualityThe many faces of Diane
When I moved back to Oklahoma in 2001, I moved with the intention of gaining alternative certification to teach high school students. Oklahoma was one of few states, I think, that did not require education to gain certification. You could do the opposite: you could get the license before completing the education component. And that’s […]
Read More The many faces of DianeGo n-eírí an bóthar leat
One of the many lessons that I learned as a kid is that everything comes into being and passes away. My maternal grandfather died when I was too young to remember, and our family Schnauzer, Muffin, died protecting us from one of the neighbor’s dogs that managed to get out. My defining moment with death […]
Read More Go n-eírí an bóthar leatRisking Absurdity
“Storm the reality studio, And retake the universe.” -William s. Burroughs I find it hard to discuss my issues with writing because they are so intensely personal. My journey to find myself really began about seven and a half years ago, when I experienced a reprieve from my obsessive thoughts about drugs and alcohol. Most […]
Read More Risking AbsurdityLove, true love
Saturday was Valentine’s Day, and every other customer reminded me of this fact. I worried about VD, as a friend affectionately called it today. I’m recovering from a crush. It’s bad enough when a woman you don’t know doesn’t reciprocate. The flip side of that is harsh: you’re getting to know the person, and you don’t […]
Read More Love, true loveGone with the Schwinn
I remember learning how to ride a bike as a kid. The training wheels came off, and my grandmother seemed steadfast to help me become road worthy. I felt proud to ride a Schwinn because the company received a mention in the Muppet Movie. My little blue Schwinn saw a lot of abuse during this […]
Read More Gone with the SchwinnHow Diane got her groove back
Growing up, I belonged to an adventurous group of kids from around my neighborhood, and we seemed to take on the world with a fearless cause. We took things apart, built things, and explored to our hearts content. It felt like we owned our little corner of the world, with its manicured lawns and relatively […]
Read More How Diane got her groove backSurviving the transition while working at a produce market
My first job after I graduated from high school was a local grocery store, something for the upper echelon to choose when shopping with the common man just would not do. I quit eventually and chose to never do that again. If you would have asked me three, 10, or 15 years ago whether I would ever work in […]
Read More Surviving the transition while working at a produce marketProgress means consistency, dedication
Many people have commented lately on my weight loss, and asked what I did to lose the weight. In my previous post, I discussed my diet changes. I won’t run over that territory again. But I will emphasize that these changes would not have taken place had I not changed my diet. Your body requires certain […]
Read More Progress means consistency, dedicationTrying to find balance
This week, I had an interaction with someone who is diabetic, and this type of interaction has happened multiple times with others since I began working at the market. It didn’t baffle me at first, as most of what I know about nutrition is new information for me. It went something like this: this gentleman’s […]
Read More Trying to find balanceTaking on the institutions
I have been meaning to write an update for quite some time. I finally secured unemployment at the end of september, and i am counting down to the time that i won’t have it. of course, you eventually run out of money. fortunately, i am interviewing with two firms. i had a face-to-face interview this […]
Read More Taking on the institutionsBike safety in Philadelphia
I ride my bike most days, and today was no different. at the end of the day, i needed to ride up to the bank, which is located at 13th Street and Chestnut. i had to share the lane with cars up to about lombard street, and then the bike lane begins. keep in mind […]
Read More Bike safety in PhiladelphiaUpdate, Be Aware Philadelphia
as promised, i want to provide an update. well, given that i’m dealing with the state of Pennsylvania, it’s more like an acknowledgement that it will take another six months for the state to operate in its intended way. i received a letter about a month ago about the appeal process for unemployment. of course […]
Read More Update, Be Aware PhiladelphiaSeeking a life preserver…
i promised updates when i received them. when i sent my mass fax to the pennsylvania department of labor and industry, i requested a phone call from both the UC service center in harrisburg and the erie service center, which is the service center responsible for my claim. the erie service center is the place […]
Read More Seeking a life preserver…What do you want?
my continuing saga includes the pennsylvania department of public welfare. over the past couple years, i have seen post after post about the ease with which people can obtain public assistance. this experience just doesn’t mesh with what i have experienced. in fact, i’ve talked with social workers and others who work with the unfortunate […]
Read More What do you want?looking for help…in all the wrong places
i am in the midst of the struggle of a lifetime. for some reason, i felt like ending my academic career would be a difficult decision. it paled in comparison to what i now face. i will write more about this later. but what i will say is that i am struggling with the state […]
Read More looking for help…in all the wrong placesWait and See, together
For now, though, I am reminded that I don’t have to do this alone. Learning patience is something my mind has struggled with, but it’s easier knowing I am surrounded by people who love me. The older timers have always loved to remind me to keep living my life and more will be revealed.
Read More Wait and See, together
Don't Squeeze the Kitty 